Wed, 17 Dec 2003
personal update...
We're into the throes of final exams here at BJU. Once grades are turned in early Thursday afternoon, I'll begin to prepare for a medical test, drinking a gallon of luscious, fruit-flavored stuff. The screening itself is at 7:00 a.m. Friday morning. So for me, this evening, it's "three nights before." If you feel inclined to pray for me, please do.
***
today's instant vacation...
I have received many different versions and perversions of Twas the Night Before Christmas. I'm sending you three that I think you'll enjoy. The first is related to exams. If the second one bogs you down, at least go on to the third one - a spoof on the per/versions.
If I don't get to send you another iv before Christmas, I hope that you will all have a truly Joyous Christmas. Global (literally!) thanks to all who have sent me your greetings.
=^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
Rob Loach in Greenville SC
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic
***
Twas the Night Before Finals!
Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the cafes,
A few were still drinking,
In hopes that caffeine
Would quicken their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
My patron saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
A grin crossed his face as
He started to bellow:
What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Cliff Notes!
On easy exams!
On wingit and slingit,
And last minute crams!"
His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."
***
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese (Author unknown)
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
***
Twas the Night Before All Nights Before!
Twas the night before Thursday
And poor Clement Moore
Had his poem being copied
By many a bore
His "Night Before Christmas"
Is perfect in rhyme
His rhythm and cadence
Are wonderfully fine.
But then come the wise guys
With Internet cool
Who use Clement's rhyme
As sort of a tool
They pick up the style
>From this poem of "that night"
And they hitch up their sled
to whatever's their gripe.
Now I'm not even saying
That there's something not right
By using Moore's poem
To carry a fight.
I guess my complaint
Is not in their chore
But the number of times
They steal from Clem Moore.
So I say to you all
As I close down this gripe
"Merry Christmas to All
And to All a Good Night!"