today's instant vacation...

I did a word search for the word Easter in my files, and the only thing that came up was some church bulletin bloopers, several of which are Easter-related announcements.

I laugh out loud every time I read these humor classics, particularly funny because of their inappropriateness in church bulletins. After grading student compositions for 30 years and after working many summers at the University Press as an editor, I have read some outrageously funny things that weren't meant to read that way. Some of these will jump out at you, while others will leave you wondering, "So what's wrong with that?" Just read it again, more closely - there's some misstatement or misspelling in every one of these. That's the frustrating thing about editing - so often the reader's brain supplies what should be there, rather than spotting the typo or the unfortunate wording. This is a longer iv than usual, but I think you'll have fun going through it. Enjoy!

 =^..^=  =^..^=  =^..^=
Rob Loach in Greenville SC

Editing is a rewording activity.
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Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the costs of redecorating the sanctuary. Anyone wanting to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

ANOINTING OF THE SICK ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.

Usher will eat latecomers.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Ladies don't forget the rummage sale - this is a good chance to get rid of things not worth keeping. Bring your husbands.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 ... EUTHANASIA
The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE

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intermission from ivman...

Once I noticed in the church bulletin that two of the songs listed for the service, one right after the other, were "Stand By Me" and "Nothing Between." Back to the iv....
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Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

(a *most* unfortunate blooper during the pastor's ilness:)
GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better!

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."

Missionary from Africa, Bertha Belch, speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.

Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

Sermon Outline: I. Delineate your fear II. Disown your fear III. Displace your rear.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peach to men.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.

Don't forget that elections for Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess will be held at next month's business meeting.

We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

Child care provided with reservations.

Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."

Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.

If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.

Please come ... you will be gald you did.

The Honeymooners are now having Bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.

The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.

We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

The activity will take place on the church barking lot.

I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.

Palm Sunday: Our regular service will be gin at 11:00 a.m.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms Who Care this week."

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.