Thu, 11 Mar 2004

today's instant vacation...

Earlier this week I sent you a list of things that researchers say and what they really mean. I thought I'd follow up today with a similar thing featuring doctors. There are a number of knowledgeable and compassionate doctors out there, but the medical profession has also attracted some real charlatans. This iv pokes fun only at the latter. Enjoy!

***
quotation...

"Some people complain because God put thorns on roses, while others praise Him for putting some roses among thorns." - Unknown

***
 =^..^=  =^..^=  =^..^=   
Rob Loach in Greenville SC

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are NOT a hypochondriac.
***

What the doctor says
What the doctor really means

"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look terrible."

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
"I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."

"This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
"I don't have the foggiest notion of what it is and hope you will give me a clue."

"We'll see."
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon,
-or-
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." (Proctologists say this a lot.)
"I don't have the faintest idea of what to do. I'm trying to appear thoughtful and hope the nurse will interrupt soon with some ideas to help me out."

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that I know how to fix."

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% interest in the lab."

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through their tongues when I did this to them."

"This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."

"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."

"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."

"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
"I think you're crazy and hope I can find a psychiatrist who will split fees."

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank goodness I'm off next week."

"There is a lot of that going around."
"Good grief, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this."